Is this season of The Bachelor a 2003 film starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges? Because everything that’s happening is coming at me too fast and too furious. There has been so much Bachelor content, controversy, and unmitigated chaos in the last two weeks that I can barely keep up anymore. However, here we are, in a season that feels like it’s been going on forever and is inescapable, with the Women Tell All special. Spoiler alert: IT’S NOT HELPING.

PART 1: The Mean Girl Chronicles

Katie versus Victoria! MJ versus Jessenia! “JV” versus “Varsity!” As we all know, this season has been packed full of petty, toxic drama. Chris Harrison starts the night off by addressing the MJ-Jessenia rivalry, and neither of the women have really changed their stories: Jessenia says her big problem with MJ was that she never owned up to her role in the “bullying,” while MJ insists that she did tell Matt everything and apologized for it.

On to “Queen” Victoria! Mari, who just piped up to defend MJ, begins by saying that while Victoria is a “girl’s girl” and “funny,” she can also go too far sometimes: “I don’t think that, for example, calling other women disgusting or a slur is okay under any circumstances.” Ryan, the dancer, once again reiterates that she did not enjoy being called a slur on national television. True to form, Victoria’s first response is not to apologize but to play the “what’s the big deal?” card. “Do you think that you’re a super sensitive person, though?” she asks Ryan, before listing all the mean things she’s had to deal with: death threats, “memes about my eye that was swollen, the memes about my bra straps… I’ll laugh it off.” In her flat, dead-inside monotone voice, Victoria goes on to say that she is “puzzled” as to why Ryan is “holding onto all this emotional anger.”

Honestly, I wish we didn’t have to address Victoria. It is very clear as to what she is doing. Instead of owning up to the harm she has caused other people or even flat-out denying what she has said or done, she is making it about why the other women can’t handle what she’s dishing out. In her opinion, the others are too sensitive, they can’t laugh it off, they’re carrying their anger for too long, and she’s just confused about why they are even talking about the drama right now. It doesn’t make any sense as to why she is confused, because it is the literal reunion special.

Katie jumps in to say she couldn’t just let Victoria and others bash people in the house, and it also hurts to watch someone call her “disgusting” over and over again. She goes about a step too far, though, when she says maybe it’s the karma that everyone is realizing that being part of a mean-girl crew in the house isn’t exactly going to win them fans on social media. Chelsea says, “Hold up… just one second.” She doesn’t appreciate the hate they’ve been receiving being called “karma.” Chelsea starts this line of questioning where Katie is the actual bad guy of the house because she told Matt about the problems that were going on in the house. Mari says that Katie was the harshest on Sarah and then once she got to know Sarah and heard her side of the story, she was able to approach Sarah with more and better empathy! Let that sink in. What is the first word that comes to mind after reading and comprehending that? FAKE. That’s called BEING FAKE, KATIE. There is absolutely no desire by any of the women who were instigating the name-calling and bullying to own up to what they actually did. They can and should admit that now and any attempt to cast Katie as the villain is trying to avoid responsibility under the guise of faux feminism. 

PART 2: Brittany In The Hot Seat

It’s absolutely messed up that they made Brittany watch a montage of Anna calling her an escort. Brittany talks about the depression she went through after the season, where she was avoiding her friends and family. She says that her life is forever changed because when you Google her, “Brittany Bachelor accusations escort” are  the first 20 results. She says that while Anna offered an apology, she could have reached out in person. She says that no occupation is less deserving of love than another and how it is not wrong to be in that field of occupation. Anna basically responds with “OMG! My bad!” when her whole vibe is “spread rumors about half of her sorority.”

PART 3: The Parade Of The Bachelorette Hopefuls

Katie, Abigail, Serena P., and Pieper all get their turn in the hot seat. Katie’s montage starts her memorable entrance and ends with her feeling blindsided, asking why she’s single at age 30 but learning to accept herself. Abigail talks about being let down by Matt not giving her enough time to further their connection. She also talks about how she doesn’t exactly fit in with the “capital-D deaf community” because she doesn’t communicate with American Sign Language; however, she says she’s glad she was shown in a romantic light because disabilities aren’t always portrayed in that way. Pieper says she let herself feel all of her emotions toward Matt so being blindsided by him made her shut down, but she’s ready to grow and never settle again. As for Serena P., she still cares about Matt but didn’t want to realize that she kept him from exploring other relationships that might be more right for him. Her mom knew Serena wasn’t happy, so thank God for perceptive moms and sisters.

PART 4: Bachelor’s Back, All Right

First thing’s first. What is going on with Matt’s face? “James Harden in the building,” quips Pieper, upon seeing the Bachelor’s bushy new look, and the comparison isn’t totally off-base. So … why? “I feel like I came out of this a little bit wiser,” says Matt, by way of explanation. “I’d gone through a lot with all these women.” The majority of the women who confronted him from the crowd were the women who were involved with the petty, toxic drama, so their approach was purely selfish as a way to make them feel better about themselves and what happened to them on the show. At last, we get to something that Matt really does need to apologize for: kissing with his eyes open. It’s just creepy! Yikes. “I didn’t realize that was, like, a no-no,” admits Matt, after sitting through the very cringe-worthy montage. 

PART 5: Bloopers!

Now, for the time everyone enjoys the most. It’s blooper time! As per usual, we get a lot of shots of the women swatting at aggressive bugs and squealing. There are some choice klutz moments from Matt: tripping on his way to the dinner table, falling off a bike, wiping out hard on the skateboard ramp that has apparently been outside his “house” the whole time. Good times. 

That’s all for now folks! Next stop: fantasy suites, then the finale!!